27 April 2008
It is a fairly dark and dismal day when the ‘D’ word appears.
I was not expecting it and certainly did not welcome it, but there I was and there it came.
It had been a fairly trying time.
I definitely was not at my best.
Such is the nature of the beast that crept up on me, unfurling itself and manipulating. Before I knew it I had succumbed to a bastard I never even knew was there and all of a sudden the world was a totally different place…
The doctor of my deliverance was not the most sympathetic of men.
Trying to explain to him the magnitude of the maelstrom whirring through my over active mind was a fairly fruitless exercise. I stuck it out and sobbed my way through describing some semblance of what life had been like since Christmas. Then three questions in he dropped his bombshell, rather like a resistance parachute over war-torn France, and I was left injured by the fallout and wondering where the rescue party were.
Turn out there isn’t one.
In this dilemma you are on your own.
Actually I reasoned, that is fine by me.
It is the way it has been for the past five years and the way I sort of like it.
Given the choice obviously there would be a Knight, a white charger and a plentiful supply of Dura-glit.
But I am under no illusions now.
Lucky for me the man I am mourning left a legacy of some magnitude. His youthful days as a prize fighter had installed a grit and determination I had oft times needed to call on. Granted, in this particular moment I really didn’t want to have draw on that particular resource. I’m secretly saving it. Rather like a rainy day fund you squirrel away in the hope that it will allow a truly decadent purchase of truly gorgeous heels instead of a new shed or roof tiles.
Alas. I was forced to realise that on this despicable day the heavens had opened torrentially and the pot would need to be well and truly emptied.
Bugger.
So I did what all fighting champs do.
I ‘phoned my Mother.
I cried.
I cried some more.
Then I went on the school run.
You do wonder if all the other mothers know.
Have they some secret weapon of tuning into your inner most private thoughts.
Surely they must know something? Hell, they have the gift of telepathy in the fashion competition stakes, know which handbag everyone should be carrying and all rush to go out and buy one. Were they all looking at the red rims around my eyes, or lusting after my gorgeous Gucci shades?
In the end who cares.
The children were collected.
The noise level in the car rose off the decibel counter as they argued their way through the standard repertoire. I was numb to it and drove home silently.
At the traffic lights at the top of the road, fifteen minutes post departure, Son piped up “are you ok Mum?”
“Hmmm” I replied, why do you ask?
“Oh it’s just that you haven’t said anything.”
Razor sharp observation that one.
“No I’m fine” I lied. “Just tired, I had a difficult day in court.”
That bit was almost true.
I felt like I had been in court, only this time it was I who felt like the criminal. A comic scene played through my mind, with the doctor as judge and me standing shackled to a burly guard. He bombards me with questions and I try to find answers from the vacant void of my mind. He finally gives up and in exasperation bangs his gavel sending me down for life.
I park the car and we all unload.
I think I cooked dinner without burning it and the usual routine seemed to carry on in the traditional chaotic way.
I sat after the children had gone to bed and pondered what had happened and how I wanted to feel something about it but actually was just numb. I wanted to take hold of myself and shake myself and shout at me not to be so bloody stupid. Just as my father had done years before but that hadn’t helped then and I was damned sure it wouldn’t help now.
No. I had to face this head on.
Like it or lump it there was no choice.
So you might as well get on with it I determined.
And stop moaning.
The next day at dawn I nursed a cup of coffee and took in the sweet aroma. The birds were chirping cheerfully and I was happy to hear them. He always seemed to know not only where they were, which tree they were nested in and whether they were hungry or in distress. He would make up tales of what they were whistling to each other for my entertainment and wonder. It was all for my innocent benefit but the fact remains it was as magical then as now. I sat desperately hoping to overcome the despair and loss that seemed to own me. Wishing for one more morning to sit by him and share sweet strong tea. Those days when I had everything and never thought it would end.
A pigeon landed and limped over. A blue ring was fettered to one foot and he wore a forlorn and worn-out expression. I smiled and had to chuckle at the irony. He sat in the middle of the lawn and fixed me with his beady eye. He seemed to challenge me with his gaze. I looked back at him and in his amber iris I saw a small girl and a blue/grey bird. One with a broken heart, one with a broken wing. “We can make it better Dandan, I know you can.”
We placed Bluey in a small box and I fed him chickweed until I was called in for supper. I promised him I would see him in the morning and went inside. Over a period of time his wing healed and he held his place in the loft again. He got better. He never flew long distance and he never entered a race again. But he was a beauty and he was mine. He loved to sit on the roof and look down at me, as I gazed back up at him. Then he would put on a magnificent show of swooping curves and arcs and I would clap him and scatter his corn. He could so easily have been replaced with a prize flighter. One who would bring home the trophies, clock the best time and earn the money so desperately needed in those desolate times. But we loved him and so there he was, always on his perch cooing.
Looking at this lost bird who had so rudely encroached on my moment of solitary contemplation I realised so many things about that time, and this time and the passage of life. All of those things had served to make way for this day and there was a chance that we could make this better, because He had never failed me yet.
I drained my cup and stood up.
The bird cracked his wings and flew.
He landed on the rooftop and stared down at me and I gazed up and smiled.
Like the Bible says - “it came to pass” - I think sometimes we just need to hang on for dear life, hold on to our sanity by considering Jesus, and force ourselves to think good things. The longer I deliberate on a problem, the bigger it becomes. I love it - the “thing” came to pass - get it? The trial’s intent is to come and then go.
Hang on beloved - it will soon pass.
Call me if you need to chat - I’ll email you my phone.
Big hugs
Julie
Thank you Julie,
For this and your email.
I have replied to you.
I know it will eventually pass, be easier and less painful. And the pain is proof of love too…
Which I have in abundance xx
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